So for anyone who wasn't there on the big day...

It really was quite special, and I think I've finally stopped trying to make sense of it, though I think I replayed much of it through my head several times, just trying to understand it all.  Much of the confusion just results from the oddity of watching yourself go through all the same motions that you've seen many, many times at countless other weddings.  "Here I am cutting the cake.  How the heck do I even cut the cake?  Aren't there any instructions?"  "Here I am throwing the bouquet.  How bizarre.  How can you possibly aim when you're throwing with your back turned?"  Stuff like that -- it was a bit like an out-of-body experience, thinking about myself in this very big, ornate and gorgeous dress, going through all the rituals that make up an American wedding.  I finally understood why everyone calls it a blur, because once that dress goes on, time just picks up its merry little bags and begins to march away.  The most surprising moment was probably walking down the aisle -- hearing the music begin and feeling the tears wash over me.  I couldn't help it -- I felt so overwhelmed -- and I'm not even sure by what emotions exactly -- but everyone was staring at me, and I felt simultaneously like I wanted to bolt away from all these eyes and like I wanted it to last forever.  Jesse and I squeezed each others' hands so tight when we were standing up there...

The whole day was a mess, though.  And this was surprising, because we (mostly my mom and I) had covered so many details in the planning, and everything should have been so smooth.  Everything was initially in place -- I had made my own guest book (which many people signed like a yearbook -- I really appreciated that), and I had spent much time putting the program together (it had one of those Chagall pics with a bride and groom on the front cover), and I had made CDs for favors, which was kind of a soundtrack for the VW bus trip that Jesse and I had taken back in 2002.  My sis-in-law Dana and I had gone over the music (she played for the ceremony), and I deliberated over the readings endlessly (I finally went with a selection from Song of Solomon, a selection from The Prophet, and Ruth Forman's poem "On This Day").  My mom and I also came up with ideas for 3 centerpieces for the bigger tables at the reception (not as easy as you'd think, since neither of us does anything like that for a day job), and she put those together.  I can't remember the last time I put so much energy into a task -- maybe that time I wrote my senior English thesis -- a 20-page poem that I wrote, illustrated and then transferred on intaglio plates and bound into book form (2 full semesters work of work, all said and done).  So I expected everything to be pretty smooth.

But the crazy thing that happened was this piddly tropical storm that hit on the Tuesday night before the wedding.  Granted, I woke up in the middle of the night to see a river rushing down my street (probably six to eight inches deep, and moving very quickly).  But you wouldn't think that would bring so much trouble in a city that gets as much rain as New Orleans does.  Still, Jesse's parents had to serve the rehearsal dinner without any power, although they got a generator to run the fridge so that they could keep some things cold.  I felt so sad for them -- his mom had been cleaning and preparing for over a week, and when we arrived at dusk, you could clearly see all the loveliness she had planned -- such a great setting.  But with no a/c, and the difficulty of doing everything by candelight, people were sweating and couldn't see all the food she'd prepared.  In fact, she had laid out a spectacular dessert table, and it was so very charming by candlelight, but not everyone got a chance to see it and eat from it.  Also, I had spent hours putting together a photo CD of Jesse and I growing up -- selecting and scanning about 60 photos for each of us, ranging from birth till now.  Since we couldn't play it on the TV/DVD (it was going to be a little treat in the background of the party), Jesse's sister Danica played it on her laptop, which I very much appreciated.  All told, Jesse's family handled the whole situation so very gracefully -- and I think that many of us were just happy to be there by that point and glad to visit with each other -- but you could tell how much thought they'd put into it, and it was sad that something so beautiful couldn't become as beautiful as it would have been. 

You'd think that after a storm on Tuesday, power would be restored to the whole city by Friday.  I figured it would be -- we were surprised that the rehearsal dinner on Wednesday was still in the dark.  But on Friday, City Park still didn't have electricity, and it was starting to rain again too.  I didn't know what they were going to do -- I was told that we might not have a/c at the wedding -- a very, very bad thing to have happen in New Orleans in July.  I think it was around 4 that someone from City Park called to say that they had found a generator heavy-duty enough to run lights and the a/c -- but the hours spent before that were just depressing.  This was compounded by the threat of a hurricane predicted to become a Category 4 or 5 storm, which was en route, and voluntary evacuation for Jefferson Parish (where I live) went into effect on Friday morning.  We never get this many storms in July!  So I was quite worried -- especially after all the time I spent working out all the details of the event.  City Park also called to say that we'd have to move the ceremony to a different garden than the one I requested, since that one was saturated.  That was a bit of a bummer too, though the garden we ended up with was the one Jesse had wanted since the beginning.  It also made for a longer walk up the aisle -- which was a good thing -- I had enough time to stop crying a bit before I reached Jesse.  One other detail -- I didn't find out till after the ceremony that Dana's keyboard didn't have power until just before she was supposed to begin playing.  My brother had to go out and buy an extremely long extension cord in order to run power so that Dana could play.  It's a good thing no one told me about that.  And the rain?  Well, it finally stopped coming down at around 3 or 4, and it stayed clear through the ceremony.

Funny... just writing about this gets me kind of queasy-feeling -- I couldn't believe how much stress accumulated in a single day -- like all my planning and hard work (including also a five-page entertainment guide for out-of-town friends in which I reviewed various restaurants, bars and things-to- do) were just going down with the rain.  Such an awful sinking feeling -- and oh yes, the folks at the Windsor Court (the bridesmaids and I got ready there) weren't going to allow us to take pictures there either -- which I found out the same day that everything else crashed -- but they came through in the end too.  I think about it now, and I'd probably throw a backyard bbq if I had to do it again.  Or maybe not.  Even with all the complications, I loved my big dress and the red roses in my hair, and the suite at the Windsor Court (ah, luxury!), and the guy's tuxes and the pretty bouquets and the very delicious food, and the long walk up the aisle.  It was a very girly set of things to enjoy. 

And then there's the marriage, which would be the same even without all the hooplah.  Jesse was amazingly patient and supportive (of course) with all that happened -- of course, he hadn't put as many hours into planning for it either.  But that aspect was very, very helpful.  And I think it took the honeymoon to help put me straight after everything that happened. 

I still wish I could have been a guest at my wedding.  By the end of the reception, I was definitely ready to crawl into bed and call it a day.  I'm really not sure how anything looked, if people had fun or enjoyed the food.  The reports have all been positive, but I feel like I never saw most of what happened, outside the ceremony, which was my favorite part, because I was definitely present for that.  But even then, it was odd to think, "Okay, now we're married" after it was over.  I didn't feel any different, except that things are beginning to feel different gradually -- in a good way.  But there wasn't any kind of "poof, now we're married" moment -- we just said some words, and then there it was.  Like something that's presented to you, and then you grow into it.  I guess that's what happens.

Another thing about the reception -- I feel like I talked to everyone and no one.  There were some people there whom I haven't seen in quite some time, and I only got to visit with them very briefly.  And then there were people there for whom I have great respect (like grandparents) and would like to have spent some time with, but there were only the briefest moments.  It was an endless series of two to three minute conversations, which was so strange -- even though I knew that's what would happen.  I left feeling somewhat guilty that I couldn't give more of myself to people, and also sad that I couldn't have more time with people -- all in all, a weird set of feelings.  Similarly, at one point during my shower season (!), my cousin Melissa had her baby shower, and I went -- and it was such a nice break, because I got to see everyone and hold long conversations without having to shuffle off to the talk to the next person in a hostess-y manner.  I was a simple guest among all the same people I'd been seeing for weeks, but I could actually spend some time with them.  It was great!

Sigh...  well, I guess I am still trying to make sense of it all.  I'm fascinated with the photos -- there are so many of them, and I haven't even seen the professional ones yet.  So many versions of a single day that I experienced most intensely and yet barely at all.  Everything in the pictures is so... beautiful.  I wish, just wish, that I could dream my way back there, watch it in real time like a fly on the wall, then visit casually or intimately with folks, according to whim.  Really see people, you know? 

Comments

[Chris]

Congratulations on your wedding! I wish you guys happiness and bucket loads good fortune.

[ellie]

You look gorgeous and the wedding sounds like it was really wonderful. Congratulations!