I didn't meant for this blog to become a confessional when I picked it up again, though that seems to have happened anyway. The d&c went fine on Tuesday, better actually than I expected. I'm not in any pain, and bleeding is minimal. This is a better experience than the Cytotec-induced procedure that I had to undergo in September to expel the contents of the last miscarriage.

Emotionally, the miscarriage process is much harder than I expected. I was always pretty ambivalent about having kids till I found out that I was pregnant last summer. There's really nothing to rev up the hormones, though, like... well... like the biological process of pregnancy! It's like I took off at 90mph into the land of wanting a baby, thanks to all those hormones. And I'm still there. After the last miscarriage, I felt like I eventually settled back down into my normal ambivalence, even though grieving the loss shook me to the core. It hurt much more than I ever would have thought, but once I had moved on, I had moved on. And then boom. Without even trying, we were pregnant again. And then came all the hormones and the strange surging, overwhelming desire to have a child. I can't explain that desire other than that it must be a sort of biological imperative. It's a sense of urgency that I never would have expected to feel. And when that urgency goes unmet, well... that's where I am now. In recovery, you might say.

It's a weird place. Now that I've found out that my body isn't so good at doing something fairly crucial, from a biological perspective, it seems that my self-esteem has been shaken. I mean, how can you suck at having babies? Anybody, it seems, any body can have a baby. But not my body. Why not? This is the part that's akin to yelling at God, and it doesn't do any good to rant about the unfairness of who does and does not get to bear children. But I indulge myself a little anyway. I have friends who've had abortions, and I think about that, and it sucks that their bodies are apparently quite capable of producing babies that they didn't want, while my body can't produce a baby that I do want. Of course, none of us has approached that point aloud, nor do I think it will ever come up, though I imagine the thought has crossed their minds as well. Such a strange and divisive secret... Anyway, I know that everyone has their own share of trauma to bear, but I'm just not doing well with this one. On a deep, irrational level that only time will talk me out of, I feel like a failure as a human. There's no comforting that wound. It'll just take time. And perhaps eventually my body can make a child, but I don't trust that to happen right now.

There's more. I know the root of my own ambivalence. It's that I long for a life of adventure that I don't think children will afford me. But what adventures have I even had here in NOLA? Not many, just the dull, slow comeback of living in a post-K city. I'm simply lost here. There's no baby. Jesse is more interesting in managing our funds for things beyond travel, and looking at the numbers, I know he's right to be responsible toward our goals of retirement and getting our house fixed. The budget is limited. But egads, my life feels so... empty. Empty womb, empty calendar. Nothing to dream about. No little person, no big adventure. There's a way out of this muck, and it's got something to do with changing my perspective, I'm sure of it. But I don't know what needs changing -- empowerment? Something that leads to me making fulfilling decisions... but what?

Comments

[Ellie]

I don't know NOLA very well, but I know when I get to wondering why my life isn't very adventurous and I'm low on funds, it helps to go on mini-adventures around the city-- places we've never been, or events we wouldn't imagine we'd go to-- find the free or cheap ones, and then there's only the investment of time. The other thing is to talk to people you wouldn't ordinarily talk to. Travel is half about looking at how other people do things, anyway. It's a poor substitute for picking up and going to Kathmandu, obviously, but it's a nice thing to do on the weekend. As for everything else, all I can say is we are sending love and good thoughts your way.