The worst of the hormones have finally passed, and the sadness has taken on a much duller edge now. Thank God! This sort of sadness is much easier to handle. I'm truly amazed at what the body does to prepare itself for childbirth. I see the process having happened in myself twice now. Like I said earlier, giving birth seems to me a biological imperative; my body responds to pregnancy by creating an emotional environment in which I feel a sense of dire urgency to have that baby. What a wild, wild ride -- one that's both unexpected and overwhelming. In the couple of days following the d&c, the hormones continued to rage, and then they subsided. I could track the progress through my own stages of grief dulling to sadness. So strange. What will probably happen now is that I'll carry a manageable sadness that flares up into something uglier during my next period. That was the process last time too.

Watching yourself deflate makes you question your commitment to the idea. Was I indeed ready to be a parent? I think so. I certainly felt like it at the time, though I'm now resolved to whatever outcome life eventually brings. What I dread most is the surge and crash of another miscarriage. The hormonal ride is truly exhausting, and the bursting of that dream affects everyone who wanted to invest in the life of the child -- my husband, my parents, and our families and friends.

But as I said, things are moving on. Jesse and I are starting to look at boats for the summer. With his new job, he doesn't have much time for travel, but we could easily take weekends to explore the waterways of Louisiana. More on that fantasy next time, as the plot develops.